Could it be that I work for myself, now, but find myself dissatisfying to be around? Or could it be that I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard to succeed when there’s no one to share my successes with? Maybe it’s the fact that money was a huge upset in my relationship with Amanda and now that I’ve acquired that which might’ve effectively set everything right, I realize that it was attainable with effort?

Simultaneously, I tell myself that I could’ve made it better, when really there was nothing I could’ve done to improve or change anyone’s attitude, hers or mine. People act how they want to act, and if my going to school, buying food, helping her with car payments and bills, wasn’t enough, an extra paycheck a month really wasn’t going to change that. I can’t look back on the past and assume things could be different because hindsight is 20/20.

We do what we can to get through, and we do what we must when we have to. Amanda struggled to make rent and I didn’t have that financial struggle (to such an extent) thanks to student loans and budgeting. Maybe this is what drove us apart, and maybe this is what kills me today; if all the struggle was on myself, what might’ve been different?