cory allan

So that’s 300 more or less completely improvised on the spot comics every night (except for one) for a month. It’s 11:57 pm on 4/30/2019 and I’ve finished uploading, alt-texting, author’s notesing, character tagging, and generally connecting up storylines that had absolutely no business being connected (that was Gil at the beginning, by the way, using pokeballs to catch woodland creatures haha or WAS IT). And there are still loose threads! Where’s Greg? Is he back in the present after grabbing that pen? Where’s Lucky, last we saw he was floating in spacetime! Did Gary ever get a handle on what the story he’s supposed to be reporting is? I’m sorry and thank you for reading and enjoying it. I really really enjoyed making it, even when it was hard. I didn’t have a single bad day this entire month and this project was why. I want to sincerely thank Cory Allan for asking me to do this project with him. It was a shot in the fucking arm. Holy shit.

To celebrate, I’ve decided to post my unredacted, without commentary, script which accumulated over time in a notepad called ‘themonthsofar.txt’ if you’re interested in that sort of thing:

—

1.
MSNBC: So you’re saying Cory Allan has been flipping us all off since 2007? That’s a serious allegation.

(Cory Allan A Secret Jerk)
(30 presumed dead in Newspaper Times fire.)

Dave: That’s right, Wolf. I was as unsurprised as you when I found out.
(Authorities say every exit mysteriously welded shut.)

2.MSNBC: We reached out to Mr. Allan for comment, but were unable to contact him or anyone representing him. He appears to have vanished.
(Cory Allan: No Comment)

MSNBC: In other news, news! Recent numbers indicate that newspaper sales were unaffected by the terrible office fire in downtown Downtown earlier today. They’re still 0.
(Suck it newspapers!)
(Cable news ratings at an all time high)

3. Reporter: Now that the scoop is out there, what do I do? How will I go on?

Dave: Hm? Oh you’re still here? I don’t know, go expose some political corruption or something. Cory Allan is a artist, everyone knows their scandals are meaningless.

Do you ever get mad about how we do all the work, and the queen just sits on her thorax all day doing nothing?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

So not only is Mr. Allan kind of a jerk, but he’s also a serial arsonist?

That’s right Wolf, as EDITOR, I have the top floor and the best office, obviously, and the best view. I was reviewing Gary’s story about Mr. Allan when who should I see but he himself, carrying 5 crowbars and what looked like a tank of gas

witnesses at the scene describe it as ‘obscene’

day ??? of my confinement
i don’t remember when I was taken, or even if I was taken anymore. Did I always exist here? It’s been almost 2 months since he last watered me.

i long for the sweet release of death.

day ???+2
recording my thoughts helps to pass the time. it won’t be long now, I can feel my leaves shriveling. The other plants had a mold take them, but my captor moved me here.

where the mold is no longer an option. i must wait it out.

day???+7
he watered me today. I have mixed feelings about it.
I think there might be another plant in this prison, because I heard him fill the glass a second time.

Perhaps it was just to taunt me.

Now I’m not saying we don’t tax the rich, but if we don’t, I have it on good authority that everyone would be much better off.

Gary, Greg, and Gus

Hey, what’s Cory Allan up to? Also, you look like someone I could ask life advice from. I’m Greg, one of the reporter triplets.

I’m… Dave.

Oh YOU’RE Dave!

–
alright, pushed that forward a little bit, maybe throw a ‘possessed wolf blitzer’ in at the end of this run

it’s probably easier to do these if you write them out ahead of time

–
All i’m saying is that pretty soon we’ll all be able to upload our consciousnesses, so like what does ‘death’ even really mean anymore?

unrelated question, what’s the cloud?

–
hey

hey yourself

so is your whole family spoons or do you have a little knife in you?

*giggle*

–
*knock knock knock* OPEN UP! Police!

Uh, can I help you officers?

We’re on the lookout for this knife, seen skulking about this neighborhood. Have you seen him?

–
Haha whaat? Knife, did you call these guys? Knife?
*gone*
You guys aren’t strippers, are you?

–
HNGH! *wolf having a heart attack* oh god! someone call a doctor!

No! I’m fine. I… wolf blitzer… am fine. And I’m here… to report the NEWS.

eh heh no knives here officer, just forks and spoons.

everyone says they’d go back and kill hitler, and like yes, duh. BUT

what if that sets off a sequence of events

that prevents my birth

thus preventing me from going back and killing hitler in the first place, and then the holocaust is MY fault. I don’t want that on my conscience.

i should take a break, my ARM is hurting now

excuse me sir, given what we know about Mr. Allan’s onion hoarding, and his alleged possession of the infinity stones, what would you say is the likeliest outcome, what’s your preferred outcome, and do you agree or disagree that he should be brought in for questioning by Congress?

So if they can genetically target viruses now, I figure, why not release a disease that infects only mosquitos and then makes them explode.

I’m not like 100% on this but it FEELS like a good idea. Do you know anyone at the CDC?

And NOW, since there’s antibacterial stuff in like, everything, we’re basically making super bugs. Survival of the fittest style.

I haven’t washed my hands in months. Just doin my part.

Dear Old Uncle Gil,

Sure is odd how you only communicate via snail mail, i mean, what is this 1983? ha ha. Thank god for express mail. anyway, remember that gold we talked about? I need it. Please send it to PO BOX
love, greg
ps, thanks for the whoopee cushion, you can never go wrong with a classic gag gift, sue?? loved it

perfect, now all i need is a stamp

How much higher do you think you could jump if you lived on Mars? I bet it’s like, two times as high.

You do know that we’re flying right now

Yeah, obviously, just like. How much higher do you think?

you hear about the cryogenic freezing clinic opening up on highland?

i heard it’s a scam, and you just wake up an hour or so later with a string tied around your neck

ok so here’s my plan. I know that cryogenics isn’t viable right now because ice crystals expand and break your cell walls

BUT

what if I just didn’t drink water for like, a week? 2 weeks? THEN I froze myself.

you should do that

anyone could have my DNA right now, cloning me as we speak. What am I supposed to do with that knowledge? THERE COULD BE DOZENS OF ME!

greg through the years — never visits uncle gil

87 – greg at

oh it’s terrible, i sit here all day tryin to read, and every few minutes some asshole comes up and asks me inane questions

sounds great

get the fuck outta my face

sure thing

That’s it! I’ll gamble my way out! Now all i need is some startup funds and I’m golden. That’s it! Uncle Gil!

cut to 1989, Gary is seven

so he tells me about the gold 4 years from now. does he even have it yet? do I help him get it?

gus – a ghost
gary – dumb
greg – slow
grumpy – grumpy
gutsy – gutsy
gildor – riddly
gumbo – spicy
greta – gershwin
gilligan – stranded
Gamfast – snoozy
Gideon – sells bibles
Fucky – that guy in fuckland that allan already made
lucky – new guy, wants to help greg

gil is from a future where y2k actually happened

it was devastating, the only thing of any worth in that future was stamps also actual gold. which explains why he’s all into stamps and stuff. the internet never became the cultural phenomenon it did because the infrastructure crumbled quickly as powerplants worldwide overloaded and exploded in time with the passing shadow of twilight. newspapers were theback to the best form of mass communication, and several competing ideologies maintained control of the last remaining printing presses. pocket societies continued the work modern advancement, and ultimately create timetravel, strictly policing time (starslip crisis). Gil is a streetrat scientist who steals timetravel tech and manages to get back to the 1980s, but he doesn’t know much history, only science stuff. clones the ‘perfect’ reporter, but isn’t a great dad and they all branch off in wildly different directions, the only ones who become reporters are so distracted by other interests that they’re bad at it.

jon falling off the dragon dying
-white walkers overcome demoralized westeros
elephants? yes. yay!
-white walkers get elephants
‘its a message, we just have to beat the night king to winte–‘ KYAAAAA. bodies are in english. ”boo!”
-jon snow shivers
jon and dany get married
arya catches bouquet and marries gendry
sansa catches bouquet and marries tyrion i guess
tormund catches bouquet and marries the hound

jow bunge forgetting the prisoners in the garbage compactor

the world is full of wonders, and they become even more wonderful when science takes a look at them. It’s springtime here, and getting dark. At the appointed time, we can expect our guests to arrive. We’ve brought this camouflage so we can take a close look, hopefully, unnoticed. (a recliner)

remarkable

the male the female

after the appropriate ‘damage’ is reached, the alpha distributes the loot.
for which they compete
attenborough observing dnd niche fillers
the loot seeker – puts the party at risk BUT does get loot
the cautious one (who is ignored) – sucks the fun out of living in a fantasy world BUT prevents party wipes
the min maxers – rolls a million dice BUT does a million damage so
the pedant – fuck this guy until it helps you personally
the chaotic – pushes the story off the rails BUT keeps the story off the rails
the mobile gamer – only pays half attention BUT doesn’t miss a session

he will attempee

email to mr. Allan
bcc Hilary Clinton

Allan, I am thinking of cutting my hair.

Dave???

‘remember to have the boys chanting ‘were clones were clones were clones’ for a week during a panel’

one of the boys turns into ya??

The revolution is called off. Everyone go home.

Gary’s probably just workin on another special report on how onions suppress or amplify the power of the infinity stones or some other made up bullshit.

This is just like that show Dallas, remember that show? Me neither, I wasn’t alive yet, but I do know who shot JR!

It is honestly incredible how much work you can produce if you create a reason to do so. 30 comics is more than I’ve done in probably 5 years COMBINED. I just did that in 3 days, and some have actually made me laugh while making them. Even if no one reads these, that reaction alone is justification for doing this project.

That said, holy cow is some of this stuff is really fucking stupid as goddamn hell.